Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.