That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it