Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.