“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Seals are just dog mermaids.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?