“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…