Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

haha same

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load