That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
You Might Also Like
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE