That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
No.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.