Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks