that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.