that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
work smarter, not harder
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
? 💀
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.