Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.