that colleague who touches your screen
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old twitter is back baby
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset