that colleague who touches your screen
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
this has to be peak English
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.