That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger