Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle