That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea