That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.