Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

The booster protects against what, now?