Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.