@Sickayduh

“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”

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@dumbbeezie

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

@squirrel74wkgn

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@shkeeber

*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*

*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*

“It was a… shoeishide”

@TheHyyyype

[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it

@VerbsRProudest

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

@MatCro

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

@fuckthem00n

your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems

aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon