I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”
“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”
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Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*
*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*
“It was a… shoeishide”
[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems
aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon