Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Festive toon…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…