That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
This is true.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.