That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
