Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

This is true.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.