That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work