that de-escalated quickly
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Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10