that de-escalated quickly
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– a cephalopodcast
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
making sure he doesnt get away
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Coffee is ready.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
