That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.