Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Who chose this font

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

That de-escalated quickly

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?