That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I think this might be relevant today.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.