That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me