That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Rooting for the overdog
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.