That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You Might Also Like
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
*orders delivery*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source