That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
True story 🤣
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
How do you like your Corgi?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
decorating my apartment
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird