Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*