That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Straight people are cancelled
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.