Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Found my door mat

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.