“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now