“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
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u guys got any snacks onboard here
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
🤣🤣🤣
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Skills
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
when someone compliments me
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Can’t, holding a grudge
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.