Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

new dr. seuss book dropping:

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.