That earthquake could have been an email.
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Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
How funny!
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
October already? What’s next? November????
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍