That earthquake could have been an email.
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down