That earthquake could have been an email.
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Mmmm canned fish.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.