That earthquake could have been an email.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.