That earthquake could have been an email.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*