that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.