Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

How to properly lift a body

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

🐴

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans