Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?