That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back