That eye roll….
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*