That eye roll….
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.