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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.