That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽