Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home