That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂