That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
That was easy.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee