That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
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Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer