Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*