Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.