Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?