That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.