Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy