That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.