That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton