That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I ate everything, including the H.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.