that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
With this onion ring, I thee fed
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Bringing home a sharpie
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
From my Mom
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?