that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Venn
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.