that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.