that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*