WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?