Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.