That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Spotted in New Orleans.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.