That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.