That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
They got a point!
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.