That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Tremendous stuff
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.